Inspector Javert and the Voleur de lait
by Javerts-Wench
Summary: Inspector Javert is assigned the task of catching the Voleur de lait, who has terrorized Paris for years.Read and Review! Dry humour...
1. Prologue

**I have never read a detective story with Javert in it as of yet, and I've read many a fanfic. As _Javert's-wench _I found it my duty to enlighten you all on Javert's un-acclaimed efforts as the true Inspector he is.**

**This tale tells of one of his later assignments- catching the mad milk thief, who for so many years terrorized Paris with his milk fetish.**

**Keep in mind, during this specific period of time, the world was in a spin. So all the time frames were in a muddle until Anne Tiquity saved the day- but that's another story.**

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** Prologue**

On a musky night, whilst all of Paris was sleeping, except of course the whores on the side streets, the gamins starving in the gutter, the resentment for the government, and the can-can-dancers of the Moulin Rouge (so what if it wasn't built for another 50 years or so). Not to mention the lapping waters of the Seine, Quasimodo ringing his bells at some ungodly hour, Christine being led through a mirror by a man and mystery, Lestat hunting for his latest victim (Louis tagging along with the rats, mind you) and well, you get the idea………

Anyway, it was on this night when an unsuspecting milkman closed up his milk shop which he recently opened, much to his mother's pride. He sighed after a hard days work selling all sorts of milk. Goat milk, cow milk, horse milk, donkey milk, camel milk, yak milk, soy milk, coconut milk but not rice milk. Oh no, never rice milk!

As the unnamed entrepreneur locked up and walked merrily down the street, as successful milk entrepreneurs are wont to do after a hard days work, the sinister **_voleur de lait_** or as those English immigrants say- _milk robber_, crept from out of the shadows. Had anyone of the night owls mentioned above been close enough to see the **_voleur de lait's _**crooked face, they would have encountered a very crooked mouth twisted into an ugly form of snicker.

He glanced around before advancing on the unfortunate, poor, unlucky and oh so ill-fated shop front. There was a ladder leaning conveniently against the wall which led to the roof made of foot-grip stuff where an unusually large chimney was situated.

The **_voleur de lait, _**with all his cunning, climbed the ladder, walked effortlessly across the roof and slipped down the chimney. Most common thieves in this case would have broken the window with their hand, waking up the whole street. After all tiny shards of glass hitting cobblestones does cause a horrible din!

But oh no, not the **_voleur de lait_**, he was far too sly for the commonosities of mindless thieves.

Commonosities you ask? See below for further explanation-

**Commonosities**- _noun; Pronounced- kom-on-oss-i-tees_

_Derived from the ancient Aztec language._

** The usual way of thinking or acting in **

**a certain situation.**

_For example- the ballerina didn't follow_

_ The commonosities of other ballerinas,_

_ Deluding themselves with dreams of an_

_ Angel of music._

Once he was safely in the Milk shop, the **_voleur de lait_** chose an unspecified brand of milk, due to copyright purposes, after he had quenched his everlasting milk lust for the time being, he made his quick exit and disappeared into the night.

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**Please review! In the next chapter Javert will be introduced and along the way all the other Les Miserable characters shall appear.**

**What are you waiting for…………….REVIEW ALREADY!**


	2. On the case

**I'd like to promise you an enthralling detective story, I really would, but I can't. Although I do promise I will try making it as entertaining and suspenseful as I can………….. for a parody.**

**Disclaimer- Unless I am Victor Hugo incarnate, I do not own Les Miserables.**

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**Chapter 1- On the case**

Inspector Javert of the 1st class; prefecture of Police sat in his office, filing over the latest reports. It had been a whole day since Javert's last crime-bust and lately he was feeling very disheartened about the whole affair. You see, crime was very rampant in Paris, let's face it, it was every policemen's dream field but poor Javert had grown tiresome of the same old cases.

It was on this evening that Inspector Javert of the 1st class; prefecture of Police received a report of a different kind. It stated that yet another milkman had been robbed 2 nights ago.

A similar case to this had been reported the week before, and the week before that and the week before that and the week before that and the week before that. So far no lead had been found and it seemed only fitting that Javert should be assigned the case.

Javert jumped from his seat and punched the air with his fist…..I may have made that bit up.

He grabbed his long pink trench coat (silly old twit forgot to do his pinks separately) and with a last preen of his fuzzy, brown sideburns rushed out the door.

It wasn't long before Inspector Javert of the 1st class; prefecture of Police found himself at the crime scene. The shop front looked unscathed and there were no signs he could see of breaking in; this was no blubbering idiot he was dealing with. Javert stood examining the exterior of the shop excavating visually for any clues. A few hours past and it was then Inspector Javert of the 1st class; prefecture of Police noticed the ladder leaning against the side of the shop. He smirked to himself and followed the ladder with his eyes, across the roof and to the chimney.

"That's an unusually wide chimney" he stated aloud scratching his head, or at least he would have been if his hat wasn't in the way. He pushed open the small wooden door and ducked slightly as he entered.

Behind what resembled a counter a young man was huddled over. He was thin and of average height with a thick mop of brown hair flecked with auburn on his oblong shaped head. Around his neck and waist a bright pink apron was tied. Javert felt an immediate sense of sympathy for this fellow victim of washing soap deceit. He approached the man sternly and introduced himself.

"I am Inspector Javert of the 1st class; prefecture of Police. I am here to enquire about a robbery which was reported to the Prefecture of Police, of which I am an Inspector……..first class…. if I do say so myself."

The young man held his sobs back and told his tale of how he came yester morning to open his shop and began his daily routine of counting all the milk bottles he vended.

"I mean, it's not unusual for one to remind oneself of how successful he is" explained the distraught milk man.

Javert nodded in approval.

He continued his account of how he realized that one of the top shelf bottles, which shall remain unspecified due to copyright purposes, was missing. He frantically searched high and low all morning until coming to the conclusion that during the night he had been robbed.

After the man's account he disappeared into some little room that no-one ever noticed before. Five minutes had passed and Javert began to doubt whether he would come back at all.

"But I don't miss a thing" he suddenly started again as though he hadn't been gone at all "I'm afraid our conniving, little thief friend left behind a most dangerous clue"

A sudden silence fell and lasted for a few seconds. "Well then out with it!" Javert snapped, growing frustrated with this man's slowness-for lack of a better word.

He promptly handed Javert a black bundle, Javert very slowly unwrapped the cloth for dramatic effect to reveal a small, silver flute and a half finished fan.

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**To everyone who reviews you will receive one free home-baked cookie from yours truly!  
**

**...cookiemayormaynotbereal**


	3. When fanmakers are wrongly accused

**Well, look who decided to come back and read more of my fic!**

**Disclaimer- Unless I am Victor Hugo incarnate I do not own Les Miserables.**

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**Chapter 2- When fan-makers are wrongly accused**

On his way back to the police Post Javert puzzled over this clue. How was he to be sure these were even the criminal's belongings?

But seeing as they reportedly had been found the morning after the theft, he had to take the senseless nincompoops word for it.

A flute and an incomplete fan?

These weren't very helpful in his investigation but they were clues nevertheless. "Aha!" exclaimed Javert as he abruptly stopped where he was, this being the middle of the Rue Del'Abjace which has recently been turned into the Rue Olsinate due to recent renovations on the Kaleseuorres square near the Rue Del'Amineirr.

He had seen similar fans of this sort before, but where?

After a moments reminiscing he recalled the fan-maker who would sit on the corner of the Rue Del' Asquigymop.

"Yes! The young fan maker who earned a living selling fans for 3 sous each. He must have been on his way home one cold night and felt like a glass of warm milk before going to bed!"

"Hmmph! So it appears the fan-maker felt like a FAN-tastic drink of milk" Javert attempted at a corny police joke.

Without wasting a second he practically sprinted back to his office and filed a report on something-a-ratherer. But it all seemed too simple. I mean he didn't expect much intellect from an orphaned fan maker but...come on!

No-one's stupid enough to leave behind a clue like that. Or perhaps there was an accomplice involved, a flute player?

Javert felt downhearted once again. He always loved a bit of drama and mystery and here he was assigned the most ridiculous case of all! He sighed heavily as he left the small room again and made his way to the Rue Del' Asquigymop.

Upon arriving he found the corner was empty. That is to say no fan-maker to be seen. Javert asked some old crone who was hobbling across the road with a dark mahogany walking stick if she knew about him at all.

"Oh yes! Feuilly is his name" she said conveniently with eyes squinted and looking up at the sky rather than Javert's sexy face (sorry, couldn't help it. Let's try that again)

"Oh yes! Feuilly is his name" she said conveniently with eyes squinted and looking up at the sky rather than Javert's sexy face…...oh just forget it!

"He's an old friend of mine, you know? Used to sell me fans for only two sous. Lovely young man. It's a pity about his parents though." And so she rambled on in this way for a few minutes, ignoring Javert's aggressive interruptions.

"You can find him at the Musain now" she concluded and hobbled off without another word.

Javert didn't exactly know where the Musain was but after some hesitant asking for help from random Parisians he arrived at the Café Musain. His mind was wholly absorbed in the case that he paid no attention to the students remarks about revolution, Robespierre, absinthe and more revolution.

He stood leaning in the doorway, scanning the room for Feuilly.

"Oh shit…" said Enjolras upon noticing the Inspector in the doorway. This caused the other students to fall silent. Not literally of course as that would just be too random.

"Feuilly…...fan-maker" Javert said somewhere between smugly and unsurely "You are under arrest for the theft of monsieur……milk-man"

No one moved or spoke.

"Didn't see that coming" said Courfeyrac as seriously as he could, not taking his eyes off Javert.

"Theft? wh…what theft?" Feuilly finally stammered not quite sure of anything anymore.

"What in Poland is all this about!" cried Bahorel, adopting Feuilly's 'enthrallment' for no apparent reason.

Feuilly was standing still and Javert began advancing upon him. He felt around in his pockets for something, sighed exasperatedly and grabbed him by the worn sleeve.

"I thought you were going to arrest me…with, like handcuffs. Or did you forget them?" Feuilly asked confused and in a sarcastic sort of way.

"………………shut up" muttered Javert

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**Well unfortunately for you there's no more but there is, however, a submit review option……..**


	4. Lost and now found

**Disclaimer- Unless I am Victor Hugo incarnate I do not own Les Miserables. However I do own some milk, it's sitting in my fridge right now! No really, see for yourself..!**

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**Chapter 3- Lost and now found**

Javert sat at his desk with an intense glare fixed upon the cute little face of the sexy schoolboy……umm, err, I…umm…hey look a birdie!

"You may or may not be aware of a robbery which occurred a few nights ago. At the crime scene these were found" Javert handed the black bundle to Feuilly who unwrapped it and laughed suddenly.

"So here is Jehan's flute! Of course, he must have dropped it on our way out yesterday. And here's my fan!"

"Yesterday?" puzzled the Inspector once again down heartened and somewhat annoyed by the milkman's lack of detail he had given.

"Yes. Jehan and I went to pick up some yak milk for the café yesterday. Courfeyrac goes through so many glasses I fear one day he shall turn into the Incredible Hulk!"

He laughed again in his cheerful manner.

"Incredible…Hulk?" asked Javert

"Oh yes 'An idiot's guide to time travel'. You should check it out someday. Jehan will be so pleased. Thank you Inspector, am I free to go?"

Javert sighed heavily creating the image of his frustration once again but this time in different words. "It seems you are not the culprit. Yes you may go"

Feuilly took the lost and now found objects and left the Office.

"An…idiot's guide to…time…travel" Javert repeated under his breath as he wrote something on his palm.

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The unnamed milkman sat behind his counter cleaning an empty bottle with a pink rag, which matched his pink apron handsomely. The door flew open and a solemn Inspector marched in with his kinky little night-stick under his arm, in true musical-Javert-fashion.

"Tell me quickly what's the story"-just kidding!

"Oh thank goodness. I trust the thief is behind bars for five years, soon to be 9 for an escape attempt a few months before he's to be freed, and then another 4 for yet another escape attempt and so on until he's served a 19 year sentence?"

"Umm…not quite. You see you forgot to mention the very important fact that the fan and flute were found YESTERDAY!" bellowed Javert.

"Thanks to your ignorance the Voleur de lait is now further away and who knows, perhaps even wreaking more havoc on this already screwed city!"

The milkman blushed a certain shade of pink, and now looked rather silly. "Oh, yeah…right."

"If you cannot produce any productive evidence I'm afraid this case shall be deemed void" and with a quick 180 degrees turn he marched for the door.

"Wait! I may just have the thing you are looking for!" and once again the annoying persona of the milkman disappeared into the shady back room, only to reappear instantaneously.

Javert spun around another 180 degrees on his heels. Which if you add the two turns together he will have spun 360 degrees…ha-ha, take that Einstein!

This time he returned with another bundle, only the cloth was dark green and it was very small. Javert raised an eyebrow.

"I found this under one of the shelves. I believe we have him this time!"

He promptly handed him the bundle. Javert very slowly unwrapped the cloth for dramatic effect to reveal a blue button which had obviously come loose with a dead flower still entwined through it.

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**Ooh, who could it be this time! **

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